


I'm Okay Now

by CaptainMarvel42



Series: Canonverse Twitter Ficlets [3]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Ben Solo Lives, Childhood Trauma, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Healing, Neglect, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Redeemed Ben Solo, Solo Family Feelings (Star Wars)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-17 22:46:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29233257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainMarvel42/pseuds/CaptainMarvel42
Summary: The only light came from the stars, so he couldn't make out the details of the small tree lined clearing he found himself in. He looked up at the night sky and was reminded of a late night picnic he had gone on with his parents in the midst of everything falling apart.(Or: Ben has a conversation with his deceased parents after the end of TROS.)
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Series: Canonverse Twitter Ficlets [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2068398
Comments: 14
Kudos: 62





	I'm Okay Now

Ben was overwhelmed by the celebration on the night of the one year anniversary of the defeat of the Final Order. It was because nobody wanted him to be there—his presence was only tolerated because Rey insisted—but also because he wasn't used to being around people.

He spent most of his time travelling the galaxy with Rey, helping out with small injustices, going where the Force led them.

They spent very little time with the former Resistance.

He liked it that way.

Being around former Resistance members meant being reminded of the past, both of his actions as Kylo Ren and also of the success of his mom's mission.

Success she hadn't lived to see.

He slipped away from the party with only Rey noticing. She gave him a nod of understanding and a small smile. She always understood what he needed—often far better than he did.

Ben walked until his legs ached.

The only light came from the stars, so he couldn't make out the details of the small tree lined clearing he found himself in. He looked up at the night sky and was reminded of a late night picnic he had gone on with his parents in the midst of everything falling apart.

His parents had always been arguing. They had argued about his dad's illegal activities and how they impacted his mom's work. They had argued about how much time his mom spent at work instead of with her family. But mostly, they had argued about Ben.

His outbursts.

His instability.

His darkness.

Ben didn't like thinking about that time of his life because his fear and feelings of inadequacy lingered, but the memory of the picnic they went on brought a teary smile to his face.

His mom had finished work late that night, and Ben and his dad had surprised her with a picnic. He had made with his dad who wasn't a bad cook, though he only cooked on rare occasions, special occasions like the picnic.

It had been the last time they'd done something together as a family, the last time they'd had fun. It was one of Ben's fondest childhood memories.

For so long Ben had told himself he had no happy childhood memories. It had been easier that way because acknowledging the good was painful.

Knowing that they had cared, but that it hadn't been enough to keep them together made Ben's chest squeeze uncomfortably. His parents had been worried about him because they loved him and had done what they thought was right.

"You were wrong," he said, voicing the words he had often thought but never said aloud before. "I didn't need _Luke._ I needed my _parents."_

Ben kicked at the ground, letting out some of his frustration.

"Sending me away made me more vulnerable, not less. It made me believe all the lies the voice in my head told me."

But his parents already knew this. They had seen it before the end. He knew this because had seen the regret in his dad's eyes as their light had dimmed, and he had felt his mom's regret when she had died.

"I know you loved me. I know you _tried."_ Ben blinked back tears. "I know you were worried about me. You were always worried."

He had given them so many reasons to worry. When each of them had died, he had been so far gone.

"You don't need to worry anymore because I'm getting better. I'm learning not to fear my anger. Rey's teaching me."

He had once wanted to teach Rey, but somehow he had become her student. She fit the role of teacher comfortably. She was a natural.

"I'm using the Force for good like you always wanted. I'm helping people, but most importantly," he said, choking on his words, "I'm happy, and for the first time in my life I like who I am. I have someone who loves me unconditionally, just like I love her. You don't need to worry anymore because I'm okay now."

Ben felt a hand clasp his shoulder and give him a gentle squeeze. He reached out to touch the hand, but nothing was there.

It must have been his imagination, he told himself, trying not to be disappointed that it hadn't been his—

But then Ben saw a flicker of blue light.

His mom was standing in front of him, and she gave him a soft smile and wiped away his tears. "Your dad and I are so proud of you."

He wanted to believe she was real. He had so much more he wanted to tell her. "I'm sorry I—"

His mom shook her head. "You don't need to be sorry."

"But I—"

She gave him a kind smile. "All your father and I want is for you to be happy."

"I am happy," he said softly, scarcely believing his words. Happiness was a new feeling for him. "Rey makes me happy."

"I know," she said, a hint of amusement in her voice, "and that's one of the reasons your dad and I love Rey as much as we love you. She makes you happy and you make her happy."

Ben wanted nothing more than to make Rey happy. "You think so?"

"I know so." His mom laughed. "She looks at you the same way you look at her."

Ben hoped his mom was right.

There was so much more he wanted to say to his mom, but he wasn't ready.

The blue light surrounding his mom started to dim. He didn't want this moment to end, but he knew she couldn't stay forever. "Will I see you again?"

"I don't know," she said, her voice shaking from emotion.

He swallowed back his disappointment.

"But," his mom continued, "even if you don't see me, know I'll always love you."

"And dad?"

She gave him a wide smile. "He loves you, and he always will."

Of course, he had already known that. His dad had made it clear the last time Ben had seen him, but despite that knowledge, he still craved reassurance. "Thank you," Ben said in a quiet voice. He was still learning to believe people when they told him they cared.

"Before I go, can I get you to promise me one thing?"

Ben nodded. "Anything."

 _"Live,"_ his mom said, "live a long and happy life."

"I'll try," he agreed.

And then she was gone.

Ben stared at the spot where she had been standing for a long moment before he tore his eyes away.

He started walking back to the party. He had been gone for far too long.

He had only been walking for a few minutes when he heard his name being called out. It was Rey. His heart sped up at the sound of her voice.

"There you are," Rey said with raised eyebrows. "I've been looking for you everywhere."

He shrugged. "I needed a break."

"I know," she said, "but now _I_ need a break. Too many people. Let's go back to _The Falcon."_

Ben nodded. _The Falcon_ had become their home in the months since Chewie gave it to them. "I have something to tell you when we get there."

"Oh?" Rey asked.

"Something good," Ben said, knowing his parents would want Rey to know what his mom said, "I promise."

\---✦The End✦---

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on [Tumblr](https://captainmarvel42.tumblr.com) and [Twitter](https://mobile.twitter.com/Marvel42Captain).


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